Realization.. uh oh
My goal weight is 120. It has been my goal for a while now. I weighed in this morning and realized that all I shed, throughout the entire week was .5 lbs. It upsets me that people think I should stop now. I mean, I still have the jiggle’s… I still have those 6 pounds to lose, yes, I know it’s just a number but it is the number I have been urging to see. Now getting just a little bit deep into my psyche… I think I have a serious self esteem issue and those of you who read my last blog know why.
I looked in the mirror today and felt gross. Now, I don’t feel fat. I actually feel like I am at a descent weight. The thing is just that I now feel like I lost weight, but there is a new issue… My figure is horrid. I can only pray that the gym will be my savior but I am kind of freaking out over that too… I have a very athletic figure and I’m not too happy about that. I came so far to see a body I hate. Most girl’s my age have full breast, hips, a lean and slender waist, long thin legs… Not me. I look like I train in the olympics. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that I am healthier, fitter and happy… but I am still not happy when I look in the mirror. The fact that I have been thinking for so long that I would look like some model when I lost weight… but, it didn’t happen. So now what?
My bf keeps doing that eyeballing thing… he won’t stop and although I would be distraught to lose his friendship and love life, after four years I think I might have to give him up. He pissed me off so bad I atually ate a rice crispy treat… Why? I wasn’t hungry… I just wanted to cry and instead I ate. I tried following wonder woman’s advice about not letting it show, the pain, but I just couldn’t take it. I showed it yet again. How can I distract myself when I look at him and he is staring at the thick curvy woman behind us. She notices and continues to play eye tag with him… right in front of me. This is all the time…
So I think I am going into a form of depression. Something. I haven’t slept good, I am bored and down. If I leave my bf it will threaten my job… he’s done it before, put on a show at my work place…. gotta start looking for a new job… there goes getting into school… will I be able to afford my diet? So many thing’s rushing through my head… It bothers me so much that even though I know I have to get a move on things, I try to purpousely forget about them…
Long ass blog… but feeling a little bit better to let things out.
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Oh no. Would your job really be in jeapordy if you left him? This is astonishing (and make him look, well, like a bit of a douche). If you really don’t want to be with him anymore, you should get out. If you’re just having a bad day (and thinking about leaving), then I hope you can talk through some of your fears with him. He’s obviously not helping the body image issue if he’s oggling girls right next to you. I agree that you should fight for your last 6 lbs. At the very least, it’s helping you to keep on track and not slack off. In terms of your figure, well I guess that we all have parts about our bodies that we would hate at any weight. The key is not to let them take the focus off the parts that you like.
It might be time to move on if he’s not respecting you. Love shouldn’t be so hard. It’s not always easy but love shouldn’t be disrespectful either. Just make a plan. Maybe start looking for a new job regardless of whether you stay with him or not. I wish things were better for you girl. Huggs to you.
You’re very overwhelmed right now, with so much to focus on at one time! Take a deep breath or two or twenty…. and try to pick one thing at a time, prioritize and hit your problems one at a time.