CrAzYlAdY :p

Guys… I’m blogging this in now because I’m not sure when I’ll be on again. I’m having some issues at home and one of the effects is going to be the internet. It is getting cut off by this weekend, I’m just not sure exactly when. I can’t get into details… Its life, its problems, issues. Depression and anxiety led me into emotionally stuffing my face tonight. I didn’t want to let anyone get to me but the fact of the matter is that when you are in that direct moment, its a fight or flight situation. Instead of crying or anything I run to the fridge. I cant handle the emotional pain right now. Its all too much for me.

So I’m on a road again. I have two choices and I need to do some serious figuring. Im also being threatened to have  a court order to leave my home. I don’t have rights as far as where I live. I’m not sure what my rights are to be honest. I’m scared. Hubby cant take me in right now cause I’m not working and times are way too hard on us.

I ask that you guys keep me in your prayers. I hope this leads me not into self destructive behavior. I hope this leads me not into discouragement. Not into self pity or weakness.

Pray for me.

I love you guys~

I hate to read that. Thats what buddyslim tells you when you weigh in and gain weight. I gained 5 pounds. When you gain five pounds in a matter of a week… Its kind of hard to not get discouraged. No, it isnt water, it isnt my body holding anything… Its FAT. I binged over the weekend and I’m almost sure I took in over 15000 calories in those four days. Not to mention not going to the gym. I got back on track two days ago. Can you imagine how much weight I could gain in a week!!!!???

Scary scary stuff. I have to get my ass back today. No excuses. I feel like I will never get to my goal. Constant maintain or gain every week for the past two months. I will not give up. I will not let this control me. I am in control of my life. I would get down to my goal weight if I just stop emotionally eating, stop letting the stress get to me, stop putting other people before me. If I just focus more!!! FOCUS!!! Grrr!!!

I also cant come on the pc anymore at night. I eat too much of my sugar free chocolate.. and they add up!!

Have a great day guys♥

Hugs!!

Well… Two days straight. I broke the fall. Thanks for helping to lift my ass back up here on the wagon again, the road ahead looks clear and smooth. No, I haven’t got to the gym yet, for those of you know don’t know the gym is extremely far from where I live, but its the only gym I’ll go to. My personal car is under construction (its a classic 1984 getting worked on). Hubby is the driver at this time and will not let me drive his “show car”. Not that I want to anyway. lulz.

Anyhow, today was an extremely stressful day. Mother is going through her bipolar moments and decided to mess with me first thing this morning. It turned into a screaming match, and then a crying match. Nothing came of it. How badly I wanted to indulge in a soft creamy cheesecake from the pastry shop. How my mouth watered for it. I swore I could taste it on the tip of my tongue. I didn’t though. I kept telling myself…. Find another way, find another way. I sat there, felt the pain, I dealt with it. I cried, I bitched, I threw a talked hubby’s ear off… Then I ate one scoop of spaghetti and a tiny piece of chicken parm for dinner. Mnn was it good!! Yes, yes it was!!!

I’m currently reading “You on a diet”. Its a really good book and I encourage anyone to try and borrow it from a local library. It gives you in detail explanations as to what happens in your body, both physically and emotionally when you eat everything from cake to rice to veggies. I just took it out two days ago and I’m already on page 101. Really good stuff.

Earth day was today.. So I hope you all did your tree hugging, veggie and fruit eating, plant watering and didn’t litter!!! I bought a plant for the first time in my entire life. Her name is Ruby and she is a Gerbera daisy.

This is Ruby and yes I named it. Isnt she/he pretty? lulz

Wishing you all good luck, hope, prosperity and success… Hugs♥

Yes, I want it. I keep asking myself though, if you want it so bad, then why aren’t you fighting hard enough for it. The answer is I don’t know. I fear it maybe. I fear the journey. No, i’m just going through something. I have the opposite of support at home. I have people trying to make me fail. I have to stop using food as a drug of choice. We all need something to lean on right? We are all addicted to something. I am addicted to food. Its been like four days straight. I haven’t gone to the gym, I haven’t worked out. I haven’t ate healthy. I’ve been eating all the wrong shit. Its like I was thrown off the wagon, I didn’t just fall. I flew! Now here I am chasing the wagon down, trying to get back up there and Its like within an inch reach but my arm wont extend that extra inch. Grrr!!!

 Last night we didn’t go to the gym because hubby started complaining about not being able to sleep afterwards. He wants to go early, but we made the agreement before signing up that we would go late hours to avoid the crowd. I cannot workout and have to wait 5 minutes for every machine. For that, I would rather have worked out at home. The thing is that we discussed this long ago. He agreed with me and we made a commitment. Now he is altering his side of the commitment. So we fought and fought and nothing came of it. We just didn’t go. I’m not sure if we’ll keep going. I might have to cancel. I don’t know yet. Anyway, after all of this… He goes out and picks me up a pizza. Yeah, the huge ones, same as always. Now me being as depressed and stressed out as I am, I indulge!! I was barely chewing, that’s how fast I was scarfing it down. I felt horrible about it after, but nothing I could do. I just made sure I didn’t eat anything else for the remainder of the day.

I’m scared to weigh myself. I have a strong feeling I gained a lot of weight. I see it in the mirror. God I need to stop it. Wtf am I doing to myself?!?!

Guys, please pray that I break this cycle today. I need to eat healthy and lighten up. I need to lose this weight before I gain it all. ♥

Don’t ask me how I haven’t gained weight, all I know is that I keep screwing up. I keep binging. I do good for two or three days and then BOOM! I eat everything in my fridge. I even tried increasing my caloric intake to 1500 on days when I don’t go to the gym… but still, it doesn’t help. I tried the whole tell myself its okay to eat anything, but I think I took it too literal and ate EVERYTHING! I didn’t feel too bad about it… I’m going through a lot of shit and there are no excuses but there is a fact, and that fact is that I am unable to focus. I’m not putting 100% into it because I cannot focus. I lose focus for two minutes and its like I need to be eating something at that very moment and regardless of how long it lasts I have to be eating until I am so full that I forget what I was stressed out about or depressed about. The feeling of being so full that it hurts, it camouflages the pain I was feeling before.

Grrr!! I sound crazy. I sound like my mother. I need help. Well, I don’t believe in medication for depression and I don’t believe in therapists. I am just not a multi tasker. I thank God that I’m not gaining anything. I’ve been the same weight for a while. I’m just not getting closer to my goal. I’m not losing. I’m not looking any different. I’ve been working my abs out so hard but I cant see them cause they are covered in fat. Whats the point? I’m so upset at myself that I skipped my religious crunches that I do every morning and night. I didnt do them last night either. 

Hubby reminded me yesterday that the beaches and pools open in 6 weeks. Great. I’ll never lose all this in 6 weeks. Or will I? Not if I keep on at this rate… I’ll probably be twice as much.

I woke up this morning to 2 smart ones ice creams and 2 waffles. Gross, I know but I dont know whats wrong with me. I need to make a pledge or something… to someone… to anyone. I need to make a bet or something. I need something strong to keep me going. I only maintain with a smile on my face, I know I’ll never lose with a smile on my face. It takes hard work. Hard work is never fun.

I hope I make it through today. I’m trying my best to watch what I eat but I dont think its working. I’m not crying about it, I’m not whinining or complaining. I’m pissed. I’m angry and I’m confused. If nothing else was going on in my life things would be so much easier right now.

 I’ll be back later… Hugs♥

Well, some of you know that my little 3 pound puppies chewed my cable wire into pieces. The wire is about a centimeter thick and made of what I believe is copper. How? I have no idea but I wasnt able to come on here at all since Monday morning… Anyhow, my week has had its ups and downs. Monday I went to the school and was notified that I did get accepted for financial aid, but then notified that the deadline for application for fall classes passed. Thankfully they have something called direct admit so I am going to be applying at the end of the month.

I messed up really bad on Monday. Lets see it went something like this… Lunch was a huge slice of pizza, then felt bad about that so I went and ate a big piece of cheesecake. Felt even worst about that and heard a Mr.Softee outside so I bought a vanilla cone with cookie sprinkles. Then, even though I was beyond full I decided to kick my ass about it by eating four donuts from Dunkin Donuts. Yah, that had to be like the worst binge I’ve had in a while. I didn’t get to the gym that day either so it isnt as though I worked any of it off.

Since then I’ve been pretty sensible. I did food shopping yesterday and stocked up on extra everything! I think my binges usually start when I don’t see anything in the fridge that I want, it leads to me ordering out and then feeling guilty about that so I go and eat something ten times worst. Well, its another maintain for me this week. At least I didn’t gain anything right? Thankful.

The gym has been great. I love it, every second of it. I love the environment, the atmosphere… Its so “grrr”. It motivates me to push myself. When I used to go to the park for my walks I would barely push myself to run. Now that I use the treadmill, I am running every other 5 minutes which is awesome. I can still only do 2 minutes at a time but I’m working on it… It takes time.

Oh and another thing… I started watching the biggest loser two nights ago. I’m pretty pissed that I missed the entire season. It looked so good and I cried my ass off. So anyway, I tried looking online to see if I could purchase the full season or at least watch it on my pc but I found nothing so if any of you know anything about that I would appreciate the help!

Today I woke up to my own version of Dunkin Donuts waffle sandwich. I toasted two whole wheat waffles, cooked half an egg and threw some cheddar on the egg… I only saved about 90 calories but I saved tons of fat and saturated fat! Here’s another thing I was astonished by… Those munchkins I’ve been eating (maybe one or two at night to satisfy me and save me from eating a donut) 3 pieces are 200 calories!!! WTF? Okay, I’m not gonna stop eating my munchkins cause I dont wanna deprive myself and they never lead me into a binge but it did shock me. I thought they were only about 40 calories each.

Well, I’m cooking my favorite today for dinner, You can check out the recipe here….

http://www.diet-recipes.buddyslim.com/plantain-lasagna/

Hope you all enjoy your Thursday!!! Wildcats I have a lot of catching up to do… Still a little confused about the heartbreakers… I thought we were always competing against them. Gonna try and catch up as much as possible!!

♥Hugs!!♥ 

So last night was rough. I literally put my body through hell. I slept on it and woke up feeling 5 pounds heavier! lolz.. Well, as bad as I didn’t want to get on the floor this morning, I hit 120 crunches. Breakfast was a simple scrambled egg and a whole wheat English muffin.

I’m going to the gym later so I am gonna bust my butt on the treadmill. I have to try my best to work off what I did yesterday throughout the week. Im gonna run run run!!! Not feeling too guilty about it to be honest. I did what I did but this morning I am back on track. I know what I did was wrong and I’m still working on that issue. I would love to sit and eat something that I love without eating seconds or thirds but I guess everyone has their own issues. Mine sucks.

Well, I’m off to the college to speak to financial aid about my fafsa for the 20th time. Talk about discouragement. I cant think of any other situation in which I felt like completely giving up. But I wont. I wont give up on anything, because nothing or no one can stop me.

Hugs!!!!!

Have a wonderful Monday!

“Damn it! I swear if I ever see that bunny I’m gonna—” Oh, hey buddies! Uhm… Yah I did bad today. Like really bad. Okay, here is how it happened…

I went to hubby’s fathers for dinner. He cooked lasagna, family brought cheesecake and pastries… So I didn’t plan on eating any lasagna, I said I’d just sit and have a piece of cheesecake which would keep me satisfied. As I’m sitting there, without my realizing it, someone had served me a dish of a lot of lasagna! My eyes popped out of my head. I ate it, then I ate seconds and thirds… Then I had a piece of cheesecake and a cannoli.

I’m complaining after every bite of how full I am and they are all like, “Oh Mel stop it! Mangia! Mangia! Its only food it isn’t going to bite you”. But it did bite me. It turned into a full binge. It’s like the fact that I’m full accounts for nothing. I’ve been stuffed since I finished my first dish… Yet here I am, eating yet another peice of cheesecake that I took for my mother(I’m so bad). I could throw up right now but in my mind I’m contemplating on what food will be my next victim.

Grrr!! I was doing so damn good! Okay, deep breath Mel! One day, you were put into a bad situation… You know better next time. Family gatherings are not for you, its a trigger so from now on stay away! You have the next four days to work it off so just try your best and no more bad eating!!! Whew… Okay, I think I’m okay.

I feel so sick! I feel gross, my stomach aches as if I had eaten rocks. Bad Mel!!! Bad Mel!!!!

Ah sorry buddies… Really just had to get it off my chest. I feel so guilty about it.

Oh boy… First of all its Sunday. Sunday is my day off which means no working out, not even on my abs. This also means being very strict on the calories. How am I going to do this? lolz… I’ll manage.

Last night I went to sleep after eating another a 100 calorie pack. Boy, was I craving or what. I take in more than enough calories. If I were taking in anymore I would be gaining weight or maintaining and that’s not what I am trying to do. I am on a weight loss journey… No one said this was going to be easy. I cant just eat more if I am feeling a craving, that defeats the purpose of trying to lose weight and trying to be healthy. As a people we need to learn self control. We cannot eat every time we feel like we want something because half the time we don’t really want it! Its all in our head!  Take Nancy for example, she thought she would be able to eat so much, but when she allowed herself a day for it, her body said “hell no!”. Sometimes, especially when we are restricting ourselves, we crave the unnecessary just to rebel against ourselves, we want what we cant have. Its human nature.

I weighed myself today. Nothing. Not a pinch, which means I’m probably in for a maintain this week. Ugh… Running so behind Summer is in ten weeks. I have to lose 17 pounds in ten weeks. Wow. Talk about a deadline. That means about 2 pounds a week. Doubt I’m gonna make it. I’m just gonna keep doing what I’m doing. I’m doing everything just right… Got my perfect amount of carbs, protein, grain, fiber, veggies all in a perfect amount of calories. So I just gotta keep my head up.

I am a binger, of course I’m going to crave and feel “hungry”. If I could just eat whenever I wanted to eat then I wouldn’t be here right now. I’d be eating and not worrying about losing weight because I wouldn’t have a weight problem. Unfortunately that’s not the case, so I have to be strict with myself. We all have to have boundaries. No matter how hungry you may feel from time to time, you have to tell yourself to stop it! Drink water, eat a hundred calorie pack, a sugar free jello or something… If that doesnt help then you know its all in your head.

Today I woke up to FOUR pancakes and TWO turkey sausages and I’m still “hungry”. Should I go eat? Uhm no! I still have lunch and dinner and snacks in between. I have a serious self control issue. I’m also a little down about not working out at all today. I’ve been going at it straight for a while, now not even abs?!? I have to give my body a rest though. I understand that.

Well, here is hoping that I have full and total control of my body today. Here is hoping that I will not give in to mindless eating or temptation. Here is hoping that I consume small portions throughout the day. Here is hoping that none of us… gain a pound today.

~Happy Easter~

I want some. I need some right now. I sit here eating my mint chocolate chip ice cream with cookie crumbs at the bottom, from smart ones (only 150 cals). For some reason though, I am so friggin hungry. I’ve been hungry all day! I have been eating, I did workout today but less than usual…I can’t figure out if its emotional… you only figure that out when the feeling is gone. I don’t want to eat anything fattening, I know what that’ll do to me. I don’t want to binge. I didn’t even get a chance to do a full 45 minutes on the treadmill today because the gym closed early so I only got 30 minutes in.

Went to DD’s tonight to pick up the usual, decaf. More than any other day, today the donuts didn’t just call me, they screamed my name!!! I kept looking at all of them on the rack and started to whimper like a puppy who wanted to be held!

Okay, I just finished my ice cream and I’m still craving. Tom isnt coming to town for another 2 weeks so it isn’t that… I ate enough. What is it?!?! Grrrr!! I want yumminess

Today’s meals:

Breakfast- Whole wheat English muffin, 1 scrambled egg and 2 turkey sausages

Snack- Smart ones cookie dough ice cream

Lunch- Brown rice and chicken

Dinner- Garlic chicken with broccoli

Snack- Fiber one bar

Snack- 100 cal pack

Just now- Smart ones mint choc chip ice cream

Total cals today- 1565… This not including coffee’s, and candy throughout the day…

My regular is 1200 a day, but since my normal workout only burns about 300-350 calories I give myself that much extra. I can’t wait to hit my goal so I can boost my cals up to 2000 a day! That would be sooo sweet!

I’m just trying to figure out why I’m craving. Since Easter is tomorrow this isnt a good sign. I can’t do anything stupid… I wont do anything stupid!!! What will I do? Buy a box of 100 calorie packs and binge on that if I need to. 

Well, I’m eating heavily and its late so before I keep this going I am gonna call it a night. I’m hitting the sheets….

Sleep tight buddies!!! Enjoy your Easter!!!  

One more thing you guys now know about me…. I love pooh bear!!!!! Oh bother!